Rivenbark: Here's some real

Celia Rivenbark

It's almost time! Best wishes to you! (Well-mannered folk know you never say "Congratulations" to the bride because that implies her mate has been hauled in like a record-breaking blue marlin.)

Having just celebrated my 34th wedding anniversary — "the CPAP breathing machine anniversary" if you’re keeping track — I feel qualified to offer some advice for a long and happy marriage. I feel a stirring in my chest. Oh, your gratitude is palpable! No, sorry. That was just my lunch burrito. Moving on …

Space prohibits a complete list but here are a few of the most important Things To Expect When You Get Married That People Don't Talk About As Much As They Should:

1. He is going to follow the car ahead too closely. He just is. And you are going to dramatically stomp an imaginary brake on your passenger side floor. He will notice this and complain about your "overreacting" and "back-seat driving" and "earsplitting screams." Seriously, is he BLIND?

2. You both like to entertain so expect this EXACT division of labor formula: You will invite everyone, clean the house, blow off the deck/patio, buy the groceries, prepare the meal, prepare a second meal for the inevitable vegan-American HE invited, develop a signature cocktail, clean up the kitchen before and after. He will … get the ice.

3. He's going to mess up YOUR laundry. He's not doing it to be mean. He absolutely knows how to do laundry, but he doesn't read labels (or any kind of directions on any product ever) so now Mittens the cat can wear your favorite Merino wool sweater. Who wore it best? Hmmm. Close call.

4. Two or three years in, you’ll look around and realize you’ve somehow gotten stuck with buying all the Christmas and birthday gifts for HIS family. How did this happen? You were the cool couple, not bound by ridiculously outdated roles. Times have changed! He works in an "office" with a full volleyball court and a Slurpee machine. You are Gen Z. And yet here you are in Talbot's with his mama's sizes on your phone. Ugh. You make me sick.

5. Y’all will never want to leave a party at the same time. Maybe you never did, but now that you’re married you act like this is a huge surprise. You give the secret signal it's time to go and he deliberately ignores you! Don't waste time being huffy and shocked when it happens. Which it will. It's why God made Uber. Git along lil girl. You’ll be in your comfies binging "Love is Blind" before he even knows you’re gone. Next morning, if he whines you left him, remind him to clean up the fireplace. He peed in it sometime around 3 a.m.

6. You’re hotter than he is. Temperature wise, I mean. But, yeah, probably the other, too because as soon as y’all made it official it has been hard to get him out of those paint-spattered cargo shorts. I don't mean to be dramatic, but the Battle of the Thermostat is not unlike the Season 6 "Battle" episode of "Game of Thrones," minus all the severed limbs. Yes. It's just like that.

7. He will never understand how it's possible to spend money to save money. Men have always had a hard time with this simple financial truism. If you see a Johnny Was tiered minidress for $85 at T.J. Maxx and you know it retails for $328, look at how much money you have saved!!!! Only an idiot can't do that kind of math.

8. Go to bed angry. I mean really foamin’ at the mouth P.O.’ed! (See "Game of Thrones" episode above). Pfffft. You TOLD him not to follow so close.

Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and columnist. Write to her at [email protected].

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